I was sexually abused by a family member from age 8 to 14. I never told anyone until I was 15 and my abuser was dead. As a result, my feelings about sex are somewhat warped. I often fear being sexual aroused and am shamed by fantasies of being sexually dominated by an older man. I have never experienced orgasm during intercourse with a man, but I can often orgasm while masturbating with a vibrating dildo and fantasing about being dominated. Not raped, but just on my back, knees up by my ears, and ridden hard.

I did receive therapy in my late teens for the abuse, but I was not sexually active at the time and we did not talk about my sexual feeings. It was more about feeling let down by my parents who did not protect me from my abuser. I guess I was a late developer and it wasn;t until I turned 20 that I had a boyfriend and became sexually active. I had no idea what an orgasm felt like so I wasn't really sure what I was missing. I had a sense that something more was supposed to happen, but the fact is that I felt a sense of triumph that I could make it through the act without sobbing or cringing away. When that relationship ended I was celibate for a long while. I met a man through a church group, we abstained from sex until we married, and then began a rather sedate marital life. I estimate we had sex about once a week. Missionary style usually because I felt uncomfortable on top. He'd been married before and realized instantly that what was supposed to be happening for me wasn't. (No vaginal contractions.) We saw a marriage counselor and then a sex therapist, which is how I learned to masturbate to orgasm. But I could never transfer the skill to sex with my husband. I know that many women only come with a vibrator, but even with the vibrator, I can't come if there is another person in the room. We tried for a few years, but I felt too frustrated. So we divorced. I've had a couple relationships, but the same situation persisted.
I now have a lot more anger at my parents than I did in my teens. I feel as if their inability to see what was going on with me not only robbed me of much of my childhood, but a big part of adulthood. And I can't even discuss it with them. My mother just starts crying when I mention the abuse and my father is in the typical dad denial about his little girl not being a virgin any more.

I've thought about going back into therapy, but I can't afford it because I have no health insurance with my job. Recently, I had a dream about suing my parents for neglect and child endangerment and then using the money to pay for therapy so I could enjoy a normal or more normal sex life.