Hey everyone, id like to come out of the closet tonight, well not about my sexuality, rather my secret addiction to cocaine that ive hidden for the last month and where it has taken me and what has happened thus far.


It all begins at the end of my last relationship, I had noticed when she landed a new job that she was starting to distance and this was breaking me minute by minute but I never wanted to accept or even believe in this truth. I then did everything I could to be as nice, loving and loyal as I could but nothing was working. Every day she would talk about guys at work and what they did from them which really got me nervous. I didnt even know what to think of this.

On The Big Day,
I had just arrived home from work like any other typical day and sat down to relax putting on some TV. My phone rang and it was my Girlfriend who was calling, Excited I answered the phone but Immediately I knew something was off, she seemed different, a strange vibe over telephone static and silence. What happenes next is where it really hit me as she said " hey, I need you to leave because I have friends coming over, please go somewhere... anywhere.... I need you to leave" I didnt know what to say other than " What? Why ? I cant really go... " so whats the big deal right ?

We have never been apart a single day and neither of us had wanted to be apart. I listened in silence over the phone as this conversation rolled onwards, she said once more " please go " and thats when anger struck and I hung the phone up as my heart was pounding out of my chest. I had cut everything we made together or that i gifted to her up. Notes on the fridge I ripped up and threw on the ground, pictures as well. I had everything packed and gone before the next hour came.

The next day She flew off to another state for a business trip * this i know is true * and spent days there.
During this time I didnt believe it at all, this wasn't real as we had a few arguments before that were iffy but repairable. While she was gone I hungout with my friends thinking everything was okay but as days went on I heard nothing from her. The day of her departure back to our state I knew by heart, and that night I spent hours looking at the night sky just hating that she was up there with the starts and night sky that i have forever held so dear, I hated her for polluting the night skies beauty.


When she arrived home I got a devastating wake up when she called me, she was acting vvery very distant and mean and was treating me like a stranger when I was crying like my own child was just murdered in front of me. I begged and begged her sobbing but she didnt hesitate and said " ive gone to far, goodbye ' She blocked me on social media, she blocked my number and texts, she completely blocked me and i never spoke to her again.


Days, months went by and I was pretending I was okay as I even got into a new relationship believing that I was over her. I was partying and having so much fun trying to get her out of my head and thats when one day I ran into the guy at the party with Cocaine. I wished I never met him but the sad reality is this is where my addiction starts.


After trying his coke, a few days late I was trying to buy more and convinced myself that I was only doing this because I was going to a Rave/EDM concert. I missed it, and stayed home with the Cocaine in my bedroom. Looking at the Gram I was scared to even try it knowing how addictive it was. None the less I proceeded into trying a sniff/snort/hit of the Cocaine. I thought " This isnt bad " and hit bump after bump after bump until it was gone.


Waking up the next day I thought how beautiful it was that I was self destructing and metaphorically speaking, killing the me that loved her. So I went and bought more Cocaine, one Gram after another until I was buying 8 balls.
Never stopping until they were gone. It got so bad that my coworkers knew something was wrong and started paying attention to the things i say or have said. My family watched me as I drastically lost 100 pounds in a short period of time. I was blowing money on Cocaine and having fun doing this not really giving a fuck about responsibility, besides... im already broken and twisted inside anyways as the few days after the break up I had become seriously suicidal measuring ropes at work to hang myself with from the rafters in the garage and I came so close.


Now, Its not even about the self destruction or any beautiful metaphor written over a broken heart as it is now a full blown addiction.

im not sure where to go, and I know I want to quit.
she was the reason why my heart broke and the reason why I wanted the old me gone, the one who loved her.
the new me? cold, broken, lost... that good looking guy over there who you can tell has been to hurt to ever open up again and not to mess with because thats just bad news....