I want to kill myself but I can't. For the past 2 years or so, my life has been getting worse and worse. It all started when I got carjacked at gunpoint in the parking lot where I work. 3 guys with guns took my car and my wallet... not to mention my courage, and my dignity. I've never before had to come face to face with my own mortality. It really messed up my head. Soon I started having problems at work. I think it was because I was afraid to go back there. About 9 mos. later I got laid off. I almost wish they had fired me because once I got on unemployment, I pretty much stopped leaving the house altogether. I had always been a recreational drug user, but things got a lot more serious. I was either high, drunk, or coked up pretty much every waking moment for a long time. Before I realized it my unemployment ran out and I knew I had to get a job, but I had a problem: I couldn't! It's not that I didn't want to work, I just would get so anxious that I'd make myself sick every time I thought about getting a job. My wife was working still and she tried to pick up all the slack. We got way behind on bills and eventually my wife started drinking a lot to cope with the stress. I had finally quit doing drugs and drinking and now she was doing it all the time. I felt terrible... but I was still afraid to get a job. Then my wife had a nervous breakdown. She spent about a month in the mental ward at the hospital. But I was still afraid to get a job. I felt like such a piece of shit, but I was paralyzed with fear and anxiety. On the day she got released from the hospital she came home and told me she wanted us to separate. I cried and cried for days, but before I knew it I was living back home with my parents, and she was living with hers. Now my stepdad is badgering me all the time about getting a job, and my mom is stressed from having to mediate between us. Even my little brother and sister are having a hard time because of all of this. And it's all my fault! I feel so guilty and depressed and anxious. My in-laws whom I used to love now hate me. My wife took our pets with her because my mom is allergic and I miss them so much. I'm trying really hard just to keep going and now I have to try and find a job after being out of work almost a year and a half. Being sober makes it worse, because then I can't stop thinking about what a mess I've made of my life. I keep thinking about killing myself. I know that it's selfish and it would hurt the few people left who still love me, but I hate my life so much. There are so many times that I think about it every day. I told my mom and now she's worried all the time. So I told her I don't think about it anymore, but the truth is I think about it more than ever. I've even been trying to think of how to make it look like an accident. I hate myself and want to die but I don't want to hurt the people I love anymore than I already have! Every night I wish that I won't wake up in the morning, and when I do it disappoints me every time. I want to kill myself and I can't.