Dark Thoughts Since A Teen....

My dad died when I was young and my mom took it really hard. Wasnt a good relationship. Growing up I had to watch her become more and more sad or drunk or etc. Around 14 I found pov porn of older women and the titles in it really played a part into my internal struggles. I really liked the thought of an older lady teaching me how to be a man , and around 17 or 18 years old, I got into my mind if I coild ever show my mom what kind of man her boy was, that maybe I could snap her back into happiness. That she didnt need bad bfs or biker dudes. And ive fantasied about for so long. Even know shes in her 70s and so sad and depressed. I just dnk what to do and its tough when a son doesnt know how to make his mom happy. I usually can deal with it and it doesnt plague me but ive been really struggling these last 2 weeks and I need to get it off my chest. Its not right to think like this. I just think about what itd be like to have my mom back and id do whatever it took , even licking her and stroking her til she had shakey thighs and no energy left.
Im new here, found it after a long search, just need to get this out of my head and this seems like a safe community from the post I've read. Dont judge to hard please. Thanks for reading.