After my fifth anniversary I suspected my husband had a girlfriend. He came home late, no explanation that made sense. Money was missing. Then my semiannual medical my doctor told me he suspected I had gonorrhea. He ran the test and confirmed I was infected. I confronted my husband and he accused me of having an affair.

My work friend suggested I hire a private detective to follow my husband. He brought back his results, my husband was seeing men, different ones, usually young male prostitutes. And he had pictures, some proof that he was having sex with them.

My divorce was fast, but my heartbreak was not. I was hurt. The detective told me where he went to meet and pick up men, a nightclub on 51st street. The patrons were as low as you can imagine, drug addicts, prostitutes, it made me sick st the stomach, one of those men infected my husband and my husband infected me.

What followed after that was a long period of irresponsible sex. In my case I hung out at a wine bar, for businessmen and women looking for a man. A half dozen men, and I met a man who took me to his home. He was intent, aggressive, lots of testosterone. I gave in and woke up there. He had money and he had me eating out of his hand. He introduced me to his exwife, to his kids. Insisted I spend Christmas with him and his ex and kids. He had sex with me in his family home where his ex and kids lived, he talked about having sex with me.

I should have dropped him but I didn't. I fell harder to him. Until I was totally his woman. Hus ex told me one day that he had asked her to get married again, he wanted his family again. I didn't leave him, not even after he remarried his wife. I lived side by side with her. I spent holidays and birthdays with them. At that point I was lower than my exhusband.

I am not free, far from it. I am on a long leash, but not free.