Even all these years later I know in my mind that what he did to me was not my fault.
Even at 13 and the years of m****tation that followed, I knew that he was a sick fuck.
What I can't emotionally reconcile with my brain is how he could get me to orgasm. As he would lick and finger my anus and genitals,I would tell myself that I would not give him the satisfaction of allowing him to bring me to orgasm.
The more intense the feeling would get the more I tried to fight it off. It would always seem come anyways. Sometimes I would even grab the back of his head or hand and force it in me at the climax.
I hated him.
The feeling I have can only be described as...
Shame.