At the time I was a student at SMU and had stopped at a gas station to buy cigarettes and the place was held up by a black guy yelling and screaming. The man behind me in line grabbed me and threw me to the floor and I had to submit to his hold while he covered me with his body. The black guy wasn't interested in us and he took the money from the clerk and ran away. That was the first time I was overpowered by a guy and forced to submit to him. He turned on a switch that I have never been able to turn off. I have this idea that my kind of guy is an intellectual type but I can only get aroused by a smelly guy who overpowers me and fucks me because he can. I won't say these have all been consensual in that sense, but I have surrendered every time. I tell myself that I don't go looking for them, they find me, but I go to those type of bars or restaurants until I get picked up and taken to where they are going to fuck me. It is a real bad habit, I have been hurt several times, slapped, knocked around, shoved into the pavement and stuff but nothing so bad that he couldn't finish fucking me. I guess I talk myself into being picked up.

My friend, he is a friend from a long time doesn't understand why I hang out with men like that. He doesn't get it, one day he just needs to slap me down and fuck me, but if all he wants to do is talk about it I don't think it is ever going to happen. I am unmarried of course.