I am a divorced man who has a thing for the Picnic Table on my Front Porch I would go outside on my front porch naked and put my dick in the umbrella hole and fuck the table hard. My nosy as fuck neighbors decided to film me without my consent getting it on with my table and they reported me to the Police all because my house is across the street from a School Playground. Bullshit those kids were in class at the time, mind your fucking business assholes and let me fuck my table, you don't see me digging any skeletons out of your closet Louise and your mustard phobia on Maury Povich. I know that bitch is yelling "OH MAH GOD I'M HAVING SEX WITH A PICNIC TABLE, AM I NUTS? AM i NUTS?" Bitch my nuts are giving this table plenty of pleasure that you're ugly ass never got when you used to work at Burger King. I got revenge by squirting mustard all over her car, that'll teach that crazy bitch to mind her damn business when i'm fucking Patty things got worse when I was seen on David Letterman yeah fucking bitch i'm laughing my ass off seeing you on Maury Povich running from Mustard when you are laughing at David Letterman claiming I have restless nut syndrome. I even fucked the table at the cookout and after that my wife divorced me because she got fat, ugly, and unattractive she took the kids and I kept my dear sweet Patty O' Furniture and I want to marry her. Why don't you people understand the feelings between a man and his Picnic Table.