I've been divorced and living alone for exactly 4 years next Tuesday. I have a son who made a career in the Air Force and am lucky if I see him once or twice a year. I have dated a few men but learned quickly they only dated me for the sex. One of them drugged me and for an entire weekend not only abused my body but permitted one of his friends to have sex with me. I thought about going to the police but was way to embarrassed to admit my stupidity for dating this guy for 2 months. Another thing is that he took many photos of me that weekend and threatened to show them around. That was more than 2 years ago and since then I have succumbed to radical masturbation. I have become obsessed with vibrators and many other forms of stimulating sex toys. I remember when the thought of anal sex was revolting to me yet now I penetrate myself anally with vibrators and vibrating beads. Some nights I spend an hour or more over satisfying myself and orgasm numerous times. Its gotten so intense that I often have anal and vaginal pains the next day. I switch with different vibrators and most of the time am penetrated both anally and vaginally while fondling my own breasts. Its become like a bad habit and I find myself abusing my own body. Its so bad I have no desire anymore to have real sex with a man. I work in a finance office with some great people who I am sure think of me as a clean living woman. I can't even tell my best friend or my sister about this knowing its not a normal or healthy way to live. I doubt many or any women put their self though such deviate masturbation like I'm doing every night. Over the past 24 months I have spent more than a thousand dollars on the most sophisticated vibrators, beads, lotions and sinister sex toys. Some of them are terribly uncomfortable yet still simulating and in a way almost like torture. As horrible as this sounds I get uncontrollable orgasms and must tolerate the cramps and pains I have the next morning. Like the fool I am it only continues day after day. Seldom does a day go by when I don't masturbate and abuse myself. I don't know why I let it get this habitual and constantly put these stimulators into my body the ways I do. Its almost automatic when after I shower I spend the next hour or two masturbating then shower again and go to bed. It doesn't matter if I'm out late or not and the time makes no difference. On weekends I have done it afternoon and again at night many times. There must be something wrong with me yet I can't ask anyone or admit to the things I am doing to myself. There must be other women with similar habits but I certainly don't know of any.