I'm scared of myself, and my desires. I'm married, and was never with a lot of men or anything. I've always been turned on by non consent stuff.

I feel awful that my first thought when I hear about someone being r**ed is 'why wasn't it me? Whats wrong with me that no one has tried to do that to me?'. I watch a lot of porn of those scenarios.

I've found chatrooms and forums and stuff online, and talked to guys about it. Even giving out some personal info that could be used to find me if they really tried, but not enough to make it super easy. I have the registered sex offender thing as a saved bookmark and I've driven and walked by some of their houses.

I don't know where this desire comes from, and I hate that I want it and that it turns me on so much. I think about it all the time.