In the closet, I have only come out to my husband. He is like my father, older and makes all the money. I worked for him, I was his secretary, and he took care of me. When his wife passed away at 38 from a skiing accident he married me to help raise his children. I was 23 and told him my secret before I got married.

I had a secret friend, she is a free lance writer. Since I was married I went ahead and had two children of my own. Before I had my children my secret friend and I would vacation together but now I have my two and his two to look after. I don't have time to vacation. At first I thought I would sleep in separate bedrooms, then separate beds, but he wants female company so I'm playing the full 360 degree wife. He 'forgets' and wants his wife.

Today I am very little gay, I would say emotionally gay and very much straight, exclusively his in that way. Maybe becoming mother, or having to look after four children and a husband has changed me. My secret friend is left out, I can be friends with her but no hanky panky. So we have grown apart.

My husband is 18 years older than me, I feel like his daughter or younger sister, except I sleep in his bed with him. I admit that he has my heart now, one day I just knew I loved him.