I work 37 to 40 hours a week and let my wife spend all of my money. The only family I have other than her are my mother and my brother and they seem perfectly fine not talking to me unless they absolutely have to. They only talk to me if I contact them first. I hate myself for literally everything I've ever done. I've never been good enough for anyone. I'm not a good enough brother for my brother, I'm not a good enough son for my mother, and I'm not a good enough husband for my wife. No matter how much I care and how much I am willing to sacrifice to make other people happy, nothing is ever enough and I still feel like I am a piece of shit in the end and I've never once in my life not ended up disappointed with the outcome of literally everything I've ever fucking done.

In 2006 my mother was diagnosed with a dissected aorta, meaning she couldn't work anymore, and we were homeless at the time, temporarily staying in a house of one of her friends while he was out of the country. Since then I've been under immense pressure to make money and be the fucking savior of the universe. I wanted to be able to pay everyone's way and keep everything afloat single handedly and I've never been able to fulfill even my own expectations. I am worthless and no one really needs me, yet here I am living for people to don't even fucking need me. Wasting my own life trying to make other people's lives easier when I know they will never pay me back or even give me credit or how much I fucking suffer so that their lives can be easier.

In 2013 I got married to a girl who literally chose her family and friends over me, as well as choosing drugs over me, but I loved her so much that my stupid ass married her anyway, because she literally threatened to leave me if I didn't marry her. I already planned to marry her, because I am the one who proposed, but we were engaged for a long time and she didn't want to wait until we were mature or financially stable, she'd rather do shit prematurely, so we didn't have a wedding or anything, we just went to the courthouse and had a sad marriage ceremony because god forbid she wait until we were actually ready to be married.

The day after we got married my mom kicked me out of her house, because she didn't want me to get married, even though I sat down with her before I did it and had a real, honest conversation with her, where she concluded that I am going to do what I am going to do regardless of how the conversation goes, and even though she didn't seem that mad about it before I did it, she clearly was after I did it. She used my bathroom sink being clogged as a reason to threaten to kick me out. We were sitting on the back porch and she ranted to me about my bathroom sink being clogged and said a lot of shit that made me feel horrible. So I (crying because of how much what she said hurt my feelings) called my wife and had her pick me up, and I moved out that day. As I was packing my shit, she had the nerve to say, "I don't understand why you are crying, you were going to move out anyway." Because I planned to move out in February, when she kicked me out in November, when she told me it didn't make sense to be married unless my wife and I lived together, and that I should want more than living with my mother my whole life. Basically contradicting herself and making herself not the bad guy. So her roommate talked shit to me in a facebook message as if I moved out and screwed my mom over on the bills, when I didn't choose to move out right then. So, you see, from my mother's perspective I am the bad guy.

I raised my brother from the time he was born until my mother got a dissected aorta, because my mother was always working and when she was home she was extremely mean because she was tired and I could never do anything right by her. She was addicted to meth and that is probably why she got a dissected aorta in the first place. So when she became disabled she took over raising my brother and when she kicked me out, now he and I barely kept in touch, and I tried to explain to him that I didn't leave willingly, even if that is what my mother told him, but I don't know if he believes her story or mine, but I've tried to let him know that I love him and want to spend time with him, but my life has been so busy that I don't get to spend a lot of time with him and it breaks my heart.

Anyway, I've spent the last 5 years, I've literally put my entire life aside to cater to every single desire my wife has had, I work and give her all the money while she sits at home and literally does nothing. She is a drug addict and even though when we met I was straight edge and had only ever drank alcohol occasionally, in order to make my marriage bearable I gave into the peer pressure and also became a drug addict. She would rather spend her time with people who drink and get high with her than spend it with me, if I wouldn't drink or get high with her. So I literally went against my own desires, against my own beliefs because I wanter her attention so much that I started getting drunk almost every night and smoking weed, which escalated to snorting coke, molly, taking LSD, and snorting/smoking meth. So here I am following in my mother's footsteps, because I am too stupid to leave a girl who emotionally manipulates me and makes me feel like a piece of shit.

Earlier in our relationship, she baited me into being in a relationship with her by giving me oral sex all the time and vaginal sex whenever she was in the mood, but once she was confident she had me hooked, she cut me off and deprived me of intimacy until it fucked me up mentally. I blamed myself for her not being attracted to me anymore. My infatuation for her was extremely alive and she cut me off overnight, and it broke me somehow where my whole life became a desperate attempt to be good enough for her again so that she would love me like she used to. Still to this day she doesn't show the same level on interest in me that she did when we first met, and still I feel like a piece of shit. I admittedly cheated on her before, because I was so depressed and neglected that I was borderline suicidal and did anything I could just to try to feel like I wasn't worthless and that maybe there was a chance I could possibly feel happy again someday. But that was a horrible mistake, because now she can use it against me to lock me in even harder, because I really do love her, still, and now I hate myself even more than before because I know I fucked up and am even more of a piece of shit than I was before.

After years of repeating the same cycles which crush me emotionally and make me feel like I am giving everything I have to get nothing in return I am still here doing the same shit. Our air conditioner broke and she can't handle being in the heat for too long or she gets nauseous and very mean to everyone around her. So we (her brother-in-law and I) put the fans on her, it wasn't enough. She used my most recent paycheck to pay for a hotel room for 2 days so she could be in the air conditioning. Well, those two days are over and we're back home and the air conditioner is still broken. Her brother spend his money on buying more fans and even buying a window A/C Unit to try to cool down the house and it didn't make much difference, it's still hot as fuck in here. So I moved her chair literally right next to the window unit so she could feel the air, after I installed the window unit, in a broken window, where I had to half-ass/jigga-rig the shit in there in the first place, just so she wouldn't have to be hot, and it's still not enough, because it's still hot in here, and she argued with us that she's not as spoiled or selfish as we think she is, as if she can read our minds, when I know she is exactly as spoiled and selfish as I think she is and I am fucking demolished emotionally, enough to write this fucking anonymous confession.

I passed out on the couch, while using my laptop. Woke up, she was gone, I went to the bathroom, thinking she'd be in there, she wasn't, she was in the roommate's room smoking meth with them. The roommates who don't pay their rent. And it triggered me, because the only reason I ever started doing drugs in the first place was because she would run off to whoever had/was doing drugs because she wanted to get high instead of being with me, and now, when I fall asleep, she still wants to run off to whoever will get her high. I feel completely worthless and I really, honestly do not see a reason to keep living, I want to fucking die. But I am a glutton for punishment because I don't want to be the ultimate failure and give up, so I'll be the second worth failure and drag my fucking body around until I die naturally, though I never expect to ever find happiness and life literally feels meaningless. All I've ever felt was suffering. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Why the fuck am I even here right now?

Thanks for reading if you did. I just needed to vent.