The purpose of me doing this is to visualize my thoughts and to write them all down to help myself understand who I am, I also apologize if anything is rambling or doesn't make complete sense. (And then any and all feedback would be appreciated but not needed)

I have always identified as a straight male and always thought I was strictly into girls. I was always raised to avoid "girly" things since that was "gay." I didn't like that because I liked wearing colors like pink or purple but I avoided them because I was afraid of that societal backlash that would come. Then when I got older and starting getting romantic feelings towards people, I found myself avoiding any and all type of friendships with guys because I didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea.

Now I am currently in a long term relationship with an amazing woman and over the last few months we have been talking about threesomes and that got me thinking about if I would do one with another man. She has never had an issue with doing it with another girl since she is confidently bisexual, but I on the other hand, am not so confident. At initial thinking I was very turned off to the idea of being with another man, but after thinking about it more and more, I started to get a liking to the idea of it. So much so that I started watching bisexual threesome porn (MFM) and I have enjoyed it very much. Then with this new genre of porn, I have been imagining myself and my girlfriend both pleasuring another man and also imagining the positions that the porn stars are doing as things I could try with another man with my girlfriend. It has all been a very exploratory past couple months and I have enjoyed exploring myself and who I am.

But now I am getting to the point to see what I am going to do next. My girlfriend has been so supportive with my discovery of myself that, last Christmas she got herself and me sex toys. I have truly enjoyed using my anal vibrator and I use it for special occasions (only because I am very particular with cleaning it) so I know that anal stimulation is not a problem for me.

I guess my one big fear is actually following through with my curiosities that I have gained over these last few weeks. I am nervous that somehow, the wrong person will find out I am experimenting with another man and it will be used as another one of those mocking weapons against me, all of which I had enough with during high school and earlier. This fear is all new to me since I have been one who has been able to shake off what others say about me, but even now in today's climate and all the progressions that have been made with the LGBTQ+ community, this is the only thing that I don't want others to find out and create judgmental thoughts about me.

When I turn 21 it will be easier since I will be able to go to a bar a good drive away from my hometown where it would be nearly impossible for others to know who I am. But until then I will be continuing my exploration of my self and work on getting over that fear of mine.

I hope I will also be able to help someone else in a similar situation as me because I feel like I am not alone with being denied true expression younger and discovering stuff about yourself later in life. Anyway, thank you for reading my story and this has definitely helped me just by typing it all out.