Switching sides.

I no longer identify myself as a lesbian. I had many friends, maybe they were really not friends, who have iced me out because I went over to the other side. I don't know what happened. I don't know, I can't explain it.

He kisses me differently. When he kisses me I fall apart. The first time he kissed me was a stolen kiss, actually a brutal stolen kiss. He kissed me, and I started to fall apart. A minute and I was no longer able to push him away. It was my first kiss by a man.

Before he drilled me, he fingered me. I had been fingered a thousand times. But he fingered me and when he got on me I wanted him to drill me so bad. I never tried to push him away, to the contrary. I did hit him afterwards, and I cried that he had done that to me. I was angry and I yelled at him. But I didn't not leave the bed, I ran out of energy and laid back down with my arms over my chest crying, or maybe sobbing is the right word.

I hated seeing his penis. But I loved seeing his penis. And when I had to hold his penis in my hand I felt very strange inside, and he has this habit of kissing me when I feel strange inside. I don't fight his penis anymore, or his hands, or his kisses, or his words, I don't fight anymore.

My day now, after work, is to go 'home' and take care of things there so that we can have dinner. I have different people I see now, and some of the old people I used to see. A lot of people know about my past. In my circle and my family it was pretty well known because I was a loud mouth activist, which I just can't get the energy to do anymore. I hear it, but I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I should say so that you can understand I went to college at Berkley.

He put it out there. Get married and settle down. I didn't say no. Everyone is a little skeptical about helping me with a wedding. I understand. No one believes I will go through with it. But I will, I am on a different boat now, with a different captain in my life. My best friend gave me an apron, a symbol she said of what I have become. She is happy for me, it was a joke, but it isn't really a joke. I put it on one morning and I asked him if this is what he wanted, he said yes, and more. Maybe I am now ready for an apron.

So I am coming out of the closet. I am straight.