These are just some sobering thoughts.

I was young and wanted action, plenty of action. I played around in college. Lots of one night stands. I hung out at bars that catered to lesbians and I was willing to settle by the end of the night to go home with a lady. I had moved to New York from the small town I grew up in western Pennsylvania. There weren't many lesbians there, and after college at Penn State, I moved to New York, took the job I could get and got into the scene.

A lesbian woman hired me for a call center which was staffed mostly with other lesbian women. It was a sex den. Our supervisor, the lady who hired me, had her favorite. Melissa, who was little miss sunshine. She was as far out on the limb for a lesbian as you could get. But Melissa was a lesbian and she was our supervisor's favorite. It was there that it sunk in that you don't have to look like a lesbian to be a lesbian. It was also at that job that I got tired of the one night stands and the sex. I just burnt out.

So I went home, back to my home town in western Pennsylvania, got a job working for the county court, wore regular clothing, had my hair made up like everyone else and got off my soap box and made friends. I was unattached and I had many friends introduce me to eligible bachelor types, which never quite worked out.

In my town I met a pharmacist. She was in her mid thirties, and also unattached. We got to talking and tripped across the subject of being a lesbian. It was a Me Too moment, you mean you are a lesbian? I am a lesbian! We didn't hit it off, but now I had a friend in town who had many of the same issues I had, a friend with whom I could let my hair down and talk about things that I couldn't talk about with anyone else. We became great friends.

Slowly I discovered that there were other lesbians in town, a school teacher who was divorced with two kids, a lady who worked for the power plant, the girl who worked at the McDonalds. The one with purple hair and piercings. She was a lesbian. It was a quiet circle. Make absolutely sure that she is a lesbian before you start saying too much. The lesbian lady that I got hooked up with was a police officer. And what I needed at that time was a police officer in my life. It took that relationship for me to finally understand that in the relationship it was OK for me not to be in charge. Turned out I was a real sissy when it came down to it.

There was too much stress living in my little town and having a (lesbian) relationship that everyone questioned. I was not out and am not out. And none of the other ladies are out there either.

So I moved, this time I went west, to Seattle. In Seattle it was easier to find the lesbian community and the lady I found is a professional and she likes that I am quiet, neutral, not showy, not gay at all. I remembered Melissa from that job I had at the call center in New York. Go home and get things ready for when she gets home, she works much longer hours than I do, when she gets home her lady is waiting for her. No more one night stands, no more hanging out at places that are dead ends. I like being Melissa. At my work no one really knows, they may guess, after all I am now 37 and unattached to a man, and I room with a 48 year old lady attorney.