Confession #37848 | Anonymous Confessions

- Anything Goes -

Straight Male / 30

I really never thought about confessing anything like this but I live in a small rural town within the Bible Belt and to be honest I really can not afford to pay the only town shrink what he is asking for help in dealing with my issues and by no means can I tell the local pastor because then the entire town will find out.

I was m****ted as a small child over several years and it has lead me to have horrible dreams and to relive some of the nightmares when I wake up.

However here is the dark side of my mind that I have never told anyone in this entire world. I have thoughts of hurting others like I was. Not hard to say out loud but the thoughts are disturbing. For example:

I find looking at young girls to be erotic, I hav never thought about touching one sexually but I study there body curves and movement, then I catch myself and leave the area.

I have a r**e fetish and think about not r****g anyone but want to watch them being r**ed. I think about torture and humiliation for them and I get turned on by it.

My ex wife once asked me to fulfill a r**e fantasy for her that she had and after 4 years of marriage and her 5th time asking I gave in and did what she wanted and a week later she moved out and then filed for divorce and has not spoken to me ever since, she even had a restraining order placed against me for domestic violence so she could do the divorce in a closed session so she did not hav ego see me.

I am a monster and I live with this monster every day but I am starting to feel as if the monster is taking over and that scares me, I will end my life before I allow it to happen but sometimes I think that I should have been killed as a kid to spare others the imbarisment and the suffering that I so strongly feel the urge to do.

The internet is no help it only fuils the desires so I stray from the research and being without a steady income or insurance I am not able to get the help I need.

No hospitals within 80 miles so I cannot get to them to be committed and this leaves me as a last ditch attempt to clear my mind is to confess here so I can share something that is eating me alive right now.

Is there help for me?
Is there hope for me?
Or should I let that monster out and turn myself in to the authorities and get sent to a cage so they can make sure I do not ever walk free again?

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# 37848 - by Anonymous

by Anonymous

You are having a normal response to the trauma you have been through, people with all kind of traumas become perpetrators. One healthy thing is that you recognize it and are aware of it. and that is what can save you. it takes a strong person to brake the cycle and you are going through something very familiar. met a man who told me his story, he and his brothers were sexually m****ted and physically tortured by their father their whole life until they were 18 and able to leave the home. the man telling me the story mentioned that he had a family of his own and his own children but did not m****t his children but was never really able to form a bond with them because he was afraid he would turn out to be like his father if he got to close. it sounded like he somehow identified love with r**e and abuse so he loved his children from a distance so he would not do the same. he was able to brake the cycle but with a high cost of mental issues a lot of therapy and help. he went on to become a psychologist and now works with rehabilitation of p**ophiles and he said most p**ophiles were m****ted themselves as children. he mentioned that one of his brother killed himself because he keep having thoughts about m****ting and abusing kids and relive the horrors he had gone through as a kid. he brother told his family that the only way to get rid of the thoughts was to kills himself, so he did. he didn't want to put his kids through what he had gone through but the traumas was to strong and he knew he would do it so he stopped himself before he could by committing suicide. the man telling me the story mentioned he attracts violent abusive people into his life and doesn't know why... and its because of the trauma. so what you are saying is a real thing. I hope you well and find the help that you need. the internet is free and if you can get access to it you can look for information on how to deal and handle the thoughts and trauma you are having so you can live a happy, loving, encouraging, safe, caring life. you are already a step ahead by recognizing your thoughts and knowing it because of the trauma of being m****ted. wish you well. I was abused as a child but I internalized it different. I find it repulsive and sickening that men abuse children, I'm so absolutely disturbed by the thoughts of child abuse that I fantasize about brutal murders and violence against p**ophiles and child abusers. I caught myself multiple times becoming paranoid and uneasy towards other men who trigger suspicion in me about being p**ophiles or abusers, and I really have not a problem killing them. but I came to the realization that I could in fact kill someone just by being suspicious so I stop myself. I love myself and my life to much to ruin it over a mental snap that could turn out that guy wasn't even a p**ophile or abuser, I was just suspicious and paranoid. we can't change the world we can only change ourselves. Having traumas and having been through abuse is a hard thing, humans are fragile. I know I don't have to let the abuser have power over me, and ruin my life over a mentally ill person. because if I do kill someone, even if I enjoy every single second of it because I justify it in my mind by believing the man is a p**ophile and abuser, I will ruin my life and the persons that abused me win. for you, if you let the thoughts of abuse to wards kids take the best of you, them you are pretty much letting the person who m****ted you win and in fact seem like it was ok for them to do to you because you are now doing it to others. think of all the fear you felt that first time, so you really want to put someone through that? If you do, you have a deeper trauma than you are aware of.

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by Anonymous

I think #1 makes some very valid points. I would just add don't go this alone. You've got a journey ahead, but not an impossible one.

h*****/w**.mentalhealthamerica.**t/finding -therapy

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