Okay, this confession is not about sex. I'll attempt to get your mind out of the gutter for a second. This is all about a new Catholic Priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." So the young Priest put the elder's suggestion into practice and talked up a storm.
After the Sermon he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "Fine but you need to learn a few things before you address the Congregation again."
1. Next time sip the martinis rather than gulp them down.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Davis slew Goliath. He didn't kick the shit out of him.
5. We don't refer to our Savior and His Disciples as "The late J.C. and the boys.
6. Nest Sunday there is a Taffy pull at Saint Peter's, not a Peter full at Saint Taffy's.
7. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T".
8. The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
9. And last but no means least. It is the Virgin Mary, not "Mary with the Cherry."