What I am writing down is hard to say. I am gay and I am very upset. I don't want to be gay. I have spent a lot of time asking myself if I am really gay. I went to the MOMA and sat in a quiet room and asked myself if I had ever fallen for a guy. Had I ever really kissed a guy. The answer to those questions are no. A guy kissed me once, in high school. I never spoke to him again. When I am alone at night, do I ever think about a guy. Again, no. If I see an ad for men's underwear do I think he is hot. Again, no.

If I see an ad for women's underwear what do I think. That she is cute, how big her breasts are, just love her lips, if I changed her hair how would she look. Does she have blue eyes.

I finished my senior year in college and will be doing one more year to get my masters. I took an internship at a firm in the city. Hence why I went to the MOMA.

Out to lunch with this girl. When we came to crossing the street she took my hand to cross me over. We sat at a booth, side by side, and spoke in whispers so no one could hear us. On the way back to the office she took my hand again because I wasn't used navigating with all the people. We went out to lunch almost every day.

She invited me to have Sabbath dinner with her folks. She is Jewish, I am Catholic, so for me it was a first experience. She told me what to expect, that her father is a Cardiologist, her little sister, everything. After dinner, we went up to her old room. She laid down on her old bed and asked me to come and lay down beside her so we could talk without being overheard. She caressed my face a thousand times, she spoke to me with our noses touching.

On the way back uptown, we were in the subway station alone, and she said it was customary to kiss your date on the subway platform. She put her arms around my neck and kissed me on the lips. She said she wanted a kiss back. To put my arms around her waist and we should hold a kiss until the subway came. On the subway, it was empty, we sat side by side and she held my hand in her lap. We got to her stop and she said she wanted me to come up, to see her apartment. A one bedroom, with a view, and she said she wanted me to spend the night. She got on the bed and asked me to come to her.

We spent the night, we shared a toothbrush, we spent all morning naked in bed. She showed me how to kiss her, how to touch her, and she touched me. We showered, ate a bite, and back in bed again. We stayed in bed all day, and didn't get dressed until night and went out for pizza. When we got back we shared a toothbrush again, she brushed my teeth and I brushed hers and we kissed with our mouths full of toothpaste. We made love again. She loaned me some clothes. We were pretty tired so we slept for a long time. I didn't go back to my apartment until late the next day, which I share with three other people.

The bottom line is that I moved in with her. We are constantly having sex. We share clothes, we have one toothbrush, she lets me make her up, comb her hair. We bought matching high heel shoes to go out dancing. We didn't come out at work, but everyone knows. Her parents don't acknowledge us, at her parent's we have to toe the line, so we stay long enough for dinner and then leave and go dancing or just come home. My parents live in Chicago, I don't have the heart to tell them that I am living with a girl, that I am not living at my apartment where I pay rent.

At the MOMA, sitting there I accepted that I am gay, I am for the first time pretty much head over heels for someone, a girl. That sleeping with her is so nice, that patting her behind in her panties feels good. That kissing on a subway platform feels normal. That holding hands crossing the street is what you do. Now how to tell my parents. How to get her parents to acknowledge what they know. How to get over knowing that I am gay. One of us has to convert.

I am gay, I don't want to be gay, it hurts to know that you are gay. I am in love with a Jewish girl and our life is pretty much going to be Jewish. I have a lot to learn.