I am studying in a seminary. My goal was to be a youth pastor. I have a couple of problems, and I just cannot overcome them and they prevent me from becoming a youth pastor.

The first is that I am gay, I lay down with men and I perform oral sex on them and let them have anal sex with me. This habit is not new, it goes back a long time. I try to shut it out of my mind, but the feelings creep back, I go to this Walmart and hang out there and wait to be picked up by a man cruising around looking for sex with a young man. I started going there when I was sixteen, so I know all the signals and can pick out a man that I think I would like to go down on and have him fuck me. If I get a real lucky I get a man who knows how to fuck and will spit in my face. I will also let a man urinate on me, but it is not easy finding a man that wants to do that, and usually that means he has to rent a room. When the urge is in me, I will do most anything to be with a man.

The second is that I have a weakness around young men, I work with a youth soccer program and I fantasize about some of the boys. Fantasies, nothing physical, if my feelings get too strong I go to the Walmart and pick an asshole and let him fuck me.

I do not have any desires to be friends with another man, I want the sex. I suppose if I was gay and I wanted to live a Christian life with a man, it might work. But I don't, I need to be fucked and then left alone for a while. The feelings are very strong, I can't ignore them anymore.