i know this is going to sound so whiney, but here goes: my mother never wanted me. she raised me best she could, anyway. which means she fed, clothed, etc. but i grew up never knowing what affection was. never hugged, touched, or shown any real warmth. if my mother bothered to notice me, it was generally because she was peeved.

the only real purpose i served in my mother's life was to provide a receptacle for her negative emotions. something to be pissed at, to blame her miserable existence on.

as you can imagine, i was an emotional wreck by the time i was 18. but i have worked very hard, and managed to undo some of the emotional damage. after i moved away from my mother, i managed to build a pretty good life for myself.

for years my mother and i maintained a limited relationship. we talked on the phone some, i went home for holidays, etc. this is more because my mother believes in maintaining these traditions - not because she is so crazy about me.

at some point i decided it was just too painful to go on trying to keep up the fake ass relationship with her. i changed my phone number, etc, and haven't spoke to her since. it's been about a year since we have had any contact at all.

i feel badly about this estrangement, but relieved, also. her is my question: am i wrong to totally eliminate my mother from my life? i mean, it feels good in certain ways, but it also feels sad. she did raise me, after all, even if she wasn't especially affectionate and loving.

i didn't leave her life to be mean. i did it because i couldn't go on with our fake relationship. and, trust me, an authentic relationship with the woman simply isn't possible.

and if you're wondering, no, she hasn't tried to get in touch with me.