I'm a 30-something female and I'm an alcoholic but always drink at home and alone, have for years and even more so after one of my sisters died suddenly last year. I don't drink in public b/c I learned years ago that when I drink too much in public I act like a giant idiot. At home, I'm If I didn't know my death would destroy my parents and other sister after losing my older sister last year, I'd kill myself. At home when I drink I'm just alone and quiet and watch tv or read or surf the net, in public I get loud and stupid.

Well, I forgot my little resolution to drink only at home last weekend and got hammered at a work event and embarrassed myself and my employer in front of clients. I worked really hard to put this event together, 5 months of work, and then I ruined everything.

I've been put in corrective action and on paid leave until a decision is made about me...I think I'm going to lose my job. I haven't told anyone except my surviving sibling and she's trying to help me figure out how to save my job, offer to go into alcohol treatment and do any and everything my employer asks me to do so I don't get fired.

Thing is, the idea of stopping drinking scares me even more than being fired. I know I'm sick, I just don't know if I can stop.