on the radio, on the phone, on billboards, on the phone , on the radio again. people are making things. people are publishing and producing creative things. songs are being released, films bought, books reviewed. I feel like i am in some surreal nightmare sequence- the news of all of these accomplishments by other people come at me like nightmarish visions and voices. driving me further and further into some method acting type of agony where I'm in a too small corner and the light over me is cut harshly, and I come to a moment where my hands are gripping my head till finally I look up in total relinquish of composure and scream pleading desperate for it to stop. the words ‘no' or ‘why' or ‘please' can be made out on my disfigured lips as modern screeching "music" overwhelmes the scene.

and then we cut to something entirely different where at first I am not in the picture.

this isn't a screenplay i am talking about here. this is how I feel.

I want to acomplish something. I want to make a movie.