Can God forgive me? I'm truly sorry and deeply regret watching CP. I really hate myself
So, i don't know how to start this. I suppose i should start from the beginning.
I believe i was like 10 years old. I don't really remember the exact age, i only remember i was really young. When we hit puberty, we get bite by the curiosity bug about sexuality and intimate relations. I admit i watched those kind of videos, about prn. Normal prn you can say, a woman and a man in a pool, or a yacht, those kind of situations. But, one day, while i was surfing the only site or application on the computer, a name appeared on the list to download and being the curious kid i was i clicked it and started to download it.The video was about two girls about my age, maybe older but still young, i can guess like twelve or fourteen, with two guys. I was surprised because i didn't know girls my age could have s*x. I was intrigued. So, i watched it. Over and over. That's just the beginning. I have to say that my curiosity was my fall.
After that, i keep looking for videos like that one, and i found a couple more, but with younger girls. There was never full intercourse in those videos, only the first one, the others where more of gr*ping. At the time, i didn't understand, how girls that young could be involved in that kind of stuff like that. I didn't made the connection of was aware that it was abuse, i was just naive and thought nothing was weird. I felt a bit of excitement knowing that it was possible to have relationships at that age, but I don't know whether to call it stupidity or ignorance, why I saw that, or didn't think about the fact that it wasn't acted, and if it was, it didn't justify the fact that contribute to that disgusting action by continuing to see that content.
After i discovered how to mast*rbate, i usually did it with the normal videos, heterosexual videos with grows up. But again, my curiosity won and i thought to myselg, hey could i get pleasure with videos my age? The answer simply, was yes. I only watched few videos, less than 15 i think, there weren't many, and i didn't do it regularly, only a few times really. But still i felt like something wasn't right. Something was wrong, i could feel it. So i stopped. I deleted everything and tried to forget about it.
The thing is, i was raised in a Catholic family. I mean, i was baptised, i had my first communion and confirmation. I went to church every sunday (there were some we or i didn't go, sorry). My family is a lovely one, i cant say i was abused or neglected. The contrary, i couldn't ask for a better family, and i thank God every day for that. They're the reason why everyday i try to be a better person. I love them so much.
Which is why this is killing me.
A few years later i found a pendrive with copies of some of the videos. I was still young but come on i had to have some knowledge of the stuff. Still i said to myself, why not watch it and the delete it? I did exactly that. How stupid i was, righ? After that, i tried again to forget. Keep in mind, i go to confess to the priest from time, but i never confessed THAT sin. I was ashamed. And still i confessed other things, and took the Eucharistic. I keep saying in my mind, i cant confess that, he will hate me, judge me, condemn me. I always liked to read, so i'm always reading books or novels, fanfictions, you call it what you like. In one of this pages, i found a tag called underge, and i say well, sx under the age of eighteen is considered underage so i didn't pay attention to it. The thing is, this is like dr*gs, you still fall under them. And if you're guessing what happened is that i fell again, well you're right. When things like this happened, i called them, relapsed. All these relapses, were very few, but still broke me.
While I can excuse myself as a young girl for innocence and ignorance, i cannot say the same in this last situation. I was older and knew what porngraphy involved, especially chld porn*graphy. I'm not looking for a reason to excuse myself, it was just a bad habit and a very low will power.
I don't consider myself a bad person, seriously, I am a devout Christian, I attend mass and church events with the joy of helping and being with God. I don't know why I did something so deplorable, it's as if my mind, heart and body were not one. A few months ago I had my last relapse, it was not videos, it was an old fanfiction, I have not seen any videos related to that topic in years, but i still failed.
I will not lie, I am afraid. I have a deep fear that I will never be forgiven by God. That I will never be able to reach heaven or see my family, who has already passed away, that God no longer trusts me to ever start a family or have the happiness of being a mother, which has been an enormous desire that I have always had. I feel a huge hole in my soul and heart for such a sin that I committed. I am diabetic, and sometime's I think to myself or feel like this is also some kind of punishment. For what i did. I also have OCD, so it's really frustrating.
I have little cousins you know, at that time i didn't think of them, of what would i feel if someone recorded them or ab*sed them. Even after watching them (the damn videos) i would literally forget it and play with them like nothing happened. I really don't understand, I NEVER felt like, or wanted, to do what I saw or read. I never had fantasies or imagined situations with children, I only knew those videos that I saw and that's it.I never had a wish or fantasy for something so gross, so I really don't understand WHY I did or saw that.
Right now, i'm 22 years old. I have learned my lesson. I have now babies cousins (I call them nieces and nephews, it's a tradition thing in my family, people from latin families will know what i'm saying). And if anyone tried to harm, abuse or even worse r**e them, i would kill them with my bare hand without no doubt. They're my light, my hope on being a better aunt for them. I love them with ALL my heart, and for some reason, they love me too. My neighbor had a baby a year ago, and he is the most adorable child. I love him immensely, he usually comes to play in our apartment, my parents love him too, mom often jokes that he is his grandson, while my sister or I give him a real one. Sometimes I wonder, how can he, all innocent, love me? He looks for me to play, to put him to sleep, and he just loves me. They have always said that children because of their innocence can perceive bad vibes, if I am really a bad and despicable person, shouldn't he try to get away from me? He, and my other cousins, nephews, nieces and even neighbors, are the reason why I want to improve.
I worked as an assistant in a rent bouncing castle and park for children. Especifically with kids under 5. And i NEVER though of them s*xually or anything like that. In fact i was like really mother bear on them, taking care of them like my own. So, my question is, if i DON'T feel any kind of attraction or anything, WHY DID I DO WHAT I DID?
All those videos, books, fanfictions, are blocked, deleted, both physically and in the process of being mentally too. I don't want evidence or residue from this filthy stage in my life. Those incidents, those sins that although they were few and not very frequent, have an impact the size of an atomic bomb in me. The day I had that last relapse, I prayed and begged God and Mother Mary, like a daughter to her father and mother, to help me get over this, I promised and swore with pain in my heart and tears in my eyes, to NEVER ..(continue confession)
