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Love Gone Wrong
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Bi-Sexual Female / 20
My Old Friend
I met my friend in August of 2022. We met over a fandom for a YouTuber we both liked, we'd talk, shade headcanons, write, and the like. She was wonderful. She was perfect, so sweet and kind, loving, caring, passionate.
Around that time I started cutting and I'd always tell her about it, always wanting her sympathy, her pity. She said she didn't want to hear about it, but I pressed forward anyways. She said she didn't want to be a therapist, but I continued on. I never knew until later that she struggled with the same things and my actions made her relapse. I could have killed her with my actions. She could have gone too deep or starved too much, I could have killed her. I'm lucky she's even still alive. She was strong enough to never tell me any of this until nearly a year later meanwhile I told her about every tiny thing that happened to me.
I'm not good at controlling my emotions. Every little thing feels like the end of the world to me. Hell, today I cried and was shaking too much to do anything because I mixed up some chemicals and grabbed the wrong concentration and messed up a titration in chem and my lab partner was understandably upset at me. I cried to my friend over my Keurig breaking, over taco bell fucking up my order, cut myself over not knowing how to do math homework, that's the level of dramatic and fragile I am. And she, so patiently and lovingly, put up with all this shit. She was the only one who would. She felt like a perfect angel.
Of course I fell in love with her.
Something in my mind at some point, I don't know where, just seemed to break. I saw her as this absolutely perfect, flawless angel. Someone above me, someone above feeling the ways I do, someone so perfect she couldn't possibly be upset by me. So I put more and more on my angel. She can't feel bad, she's perfect. It's wrong, but that's how my mind was working. I still see her as someone so beautiful and amazing.
I professed my love to her. She didn't want it. But I pushed her on, continually telling her I loved her, over and over again professing my feelings and pretty much BEGGING for her to love me back. She didn't want it yet I pressed on, spamming her with love declarations at LEAST weekly, hoping that maybe someday she'd change her mind.
This went on for months. I wanted her to take care of me. I didn't want to get better because I liked things the way they were. The hurt, sad girl who everyone gives attention to became all I am and all I know about myself. She was my giver, my provider, all I needed in the world. I obsessed over her. I begged her to come let me live with her because I wanted her (I've never met her in real life, we only know each other online. I didn't even know what she looks like.) And I begged for her to come to me, I even looked at Amtrak between our cities so I could get to her. She didn't want me. I wanted her. I was addicted to her attention and her pity and would do ANYTHING to get a hit. I continued to tell her every little thing I felt, every little thing I did. I needed her attention and validation to feel whole.
But that's not even the end of it. No, she was either perfect or evil to me. And whatever set me to treating her like my perfect savior angel, it all came crashing back down in reverse. All over YouTube drama. Raincandy-Angel. The moment she did something I didn't perceive as perfect, I snapped. That YouTube channel we both like had been called out for abuse of people behind the scenes and I said it was unacceptable to keep watching and giving exposure to them, she said I should just let people enjoy things. I made an angry post about how everyone who liked that channel was enabling the abuse, got banned from the community, and I was desperate to come back. They were my only friends.
I made an alt account to pretty much stalk my angel, I was jealous and controlling and paranoid over her finding someone better than me and leaving me now that she was upset at me. I joined back in the servers I wasn't allowed in. I listened in to a call she was in. At the same time, I was messaging her on my main account, pretty much yelling at her about how she's funding and platforming an abuser. On my alt, I would act all sweet, I knew my relationship with her was already ruined so I thought if I became someone else, someone better, someone ideal, she'd love me.
This was the end for us. She found me out and completely cut me off, then later I was sent a document detailing everything I've done.
Around that time I started cutting and I'd always tell her about it, always wanting her sympathy, her pity. She said she didn't want to hear about it, but I pressed forward anyways. She said she didn't want to be a therapist, but I continued on. I never knew until later that she struggled with the same things and my actions made her relapse. I could have killed her with my actions. She could have gone too deep or starved too much, I could have killed her. I'm lucky she's even still alive. She was strong enough to never tell me any of this until nearly a year later meanwhile I told her about every tiny thing that happened to me.
I'm not good at controlling my emotions. Every little thing feels like the end of the world to me. Hell, today I cried and was shaking too much to do anything because I mixed up some chemicals and grabbed the wrong concentration and messed up a titration in chem and my lab partner was understandably upset at me. I cried to my friend over my Keurig breaking, over taco bell fucking up my order, cut myself over not knowing how to do math homework, that's the level of dramatic and fragile I am. And she, so patiently and lovingly, put up with all this shit. She was the only one who would. She felt like a perfect angel.
Of course I fell in love with her.
Something in my mind at some point, I don't know where, just seemed to break. I saw her as this absolutely perfect, flawless angel. Someone above me, someone above feeling the ways I do, someone so perfect she couldn't possibly be upset by me. So I put more and more on my angel. She can't feel bad, she's perfect. It's wrong, but that's how my mind was working. I still see her as someone so beautiful and amazing.
I professed my love to her. She didn't want it. But I pushed her on, continually telling her I loved her, over and over again professing my feelings and pretty much BEGGING for her to love me back. She didn't want it yet I pressed on, spamming her with love declarations at LEAST weekly, hoping that maybe someday she'd change her mind.
This went on for months. I wanted her to take care of me. I didn't want to get better because I liked things the way they were. The hurt, sad girl who everyone gives attention to became all I am and all I know about myself. She was my giver, my provider, all I needed in the world. I obsessed over her. I begged her to come let me live with her because I wanted her (I've never met her in real life, we only know each other online. I didn't even know what she looks like.) And I begged for her to come to me, I even looked at Amtrak between our cities so I could get to her. She didn't want me. I wanted her. I was addicted to her attention and her pity and would do ANYTHING to get a hit. I continued to tell her every little thing I felt, every little thing I did. I needed her attention and validation to feel whole.
But that's not even the end of it. No, she was either perfect or evil to me. And whatever set me to treating her like my perfect savior angel, it all came crashing back down in reverse. All over YouTube drama. Raincandy-Angel. The moment she did something I didn't perceive as perfect, I snapped. That YouTube channel we both like had been called out for abuse of people behind the scenes and I said it was unacceptable to keep watching and giving exposure to them, she said I should just let people enjoy things. I made an angry post about how everyone who liked that channel was enabling the abuse, got banned from the community, and I was desperate to come back. They were my only friends.
I made an alt account to pretty much stalk my angel, I was jealous and controlling and paranoid over her finding someone better than me and leaving me now that she was upset at me. I joined back in the servers I wasn't allowed in. I listened in to a call she was in. At the same time, I was messaging her on my main account, pretty much yelling at her about how she's funding and platforming an abuser. On my alt, I would act all sweet, I knew my relationship with her was already ruined so I thought if I became someone else, someone better, someone ideal, she'd love me.
This was the end for us. She found me out and completely cut me off, then later I was sent a document detailing everything I've done.
